Finding Courage
“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”
3” by 3” mixed media painting mounted on plywood panel
Finding a starting place for this post was a bit challenging. As a linear thinker and a former teacher, I know a good story has a beginning, a middle and an end, yet when I reflect on my growth sometimes it’ s not always clear where the starts and stops are. There is much to be gained in starting at the beginning. After all, you are not familiar with the details of my story the way I am. There is a risk in jumping in “mid stream” that things won’t make sense or important life lessons won’t resonate properly without the full background.
Just when I work myself into a good and complex corner of inaction, I remember to take a deep breath and in the space between, am reminded that like life, the story will reveal itself in the writing. There is truth in proclaiming that starting anywhere is better than not starting at all, and so it is that I find myself sitting here in the loden overstuffed chair propped in the corner of my studio chanting what I refer to as the recovering perfectionist’s creed, “DONE is better than PERFECT.”
Yesterday I was listening to a podcast interviewing Jennifer Michael Hecht, the author of, Stay; a History of Suicide and the Philosophies Against it. To be clear, I hadn’t sought the podcast because of the subject, it was a “next up” auto-play selection in my library. I contemplated skipping it because of the triggering title and had reached my hand into my pocket to change it up when I became aware of a whisper within inviting me to be present. It wasn’t a voice as much as a clenching in my stomach and a sense of yearning.
I want to pause here to share that hearing this whisper hasn’t always been easy for me. I’ve learned that the more I honor my inner voices by slowing down and listening, the more often they rise up and sing out lyrics that turn into songs of my truth. As with many skills, practice makes progress and listening is something I’ve been working on for some time. In sharing this moment with you, I celebrate the progress I am making toward achieving my goal.
For me, listening is just as much about amplifying my own voice as well as learning to discern when to quiet myself to allow others to speak their own truths.
As the interview unfolded, the author quoted Seneca, “Sometimes, even to live is an act of courage.” and I stood up straight, cheeks flushing in knowing. Not only did I know this to be my truth, I knew that hearing the word, COURAGE meant I needed to share it here as a piece of my story. That’s how it goes for me with choosing words as an intention for the year. Sometimes you find the words by seeking connections, but more often than not, the words find you; most often in the most unlikely places like in a random podcast in the middle of a mundane moment packing and taping boxes while at work. I don’t remember exactly what it was that led me to choose the word COURAGE a year ago. As the ball dropped and 2019 became 2020, I just knew that I wanted to continue the practice of picking just one word instead of making a formal “resolution”. So many things had changed for me and I was acutely aware that there was much I needed to learn and practice if I was going to grow into the new skin I found myself in; a skin I desperately wanted to be different than the hard armor that was blown to smithereens when I lost all the ways that were so familiar to bring meaning to my life, like my title of mother and teacher.
After nearly two years of intensive therapy, I was in the midst of trying to assert some independence in my quest to tame the negative thinking that ruled my life and it was HARD. It was my experience that doing hard things is wrought with overthinking and anxiety and often is accompanied by absolute paralysis while I hyper-focus on what other people might think about my choices and my sincere desire to make the “best” choice so as not to upset anyone.
AND I was also committed to living differently. (What I call living on “this side of the mountain” ) Over here, I am a confident woman who has the power to rewrite her story. It was in muddy middle of this contradiction that
I found a strong desire to align my inner and outer selves and the word COURAGE found me.
I knew I needed courage to motivate myself to do hard things. I knew COURAGE would be the path to action for many things I had learned and could talk about, but found incredibly difficult to live into. And so, I made it my one word for 2020; choosing to boldly claim something I had not yet possessed hoping I would “grow into it” and learn to call it my own by the time the year came to a close; just the same way I saw so many facets of my authentic self BLOOM into a rainbow filled garden over the previous year.
Courage gave me the strength to STAY and helped me learn to name the feelings that are behind impulsive desires to escape. It allowed me to reach out and crack open the door to some of my closest friends and family who I have previously shut out; shining some light on the edges of dark thoughts; sending them shrinking into the corners and preventing them from growing into depression.
Courage allowed me to seek new ventures for my fledgling art practice; seeking a partner to design a two day meditative retreat where participants could learn how to combine the self care practices of yoga and meditative stitching into a ritual for renewal and peace during stressful times. (this had the unfortunate timing of being scheduled just as the pandemic took hold locking down all gatherings)
Courage became the wind beneath my creative wings as I stretched them to find new ways to bring money in during difficult times; which led to applying to work for the Postal Service and training to be a front line worker as a Letter Carrier. (which lasted for 5 months )
Courage created the energy to harness the stamina gained from weathering previous storms to navigate the unprecedented amount of shifting and pivoting needed to stay afloat during the constant state of change and unknowns with health and travel and interacting with the world and find connection as I sailed into the safe harbor of a wonderful community of women in their middle years (Middle Years Monday) who have become a tremendous support and source of strength in my life.
Courage is giving me the strength to lift my head beyond the bubble of privilege I feel safe in and take steps toward recognizing how my habit of “staying out of politics” and keeping quiet in the face of ongoing injustice translates to complicity and continued suffering for black and brown people; including my own son. It allows me to keep learning and listening and finding ways to step into my voice and use it to find ways to dismantle hurtful systems that perpetuate white supremacy.
Check back next week to hear more about how the words Bloom, Courage and now JOY serve as signposts on my journey to reclaim my authentic self.
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