Letting Go
Learning how to let go is more like a scribble than a straight line.
Moving studio and home across an ocean isn’t a particularly straightforward process.
It involves a tremendous amount of culling . The pragmatic definition of the word might imply it’s a simple task; since it is most often used to describe the “thinning of a herd”. A rancher or farmer may select the weak or sick to kill off for the strength of the whole. A gardener may cull the weeds that might choke out the more desirable so they may flourish. But what’s an artist to do?
Saying goodbye to many pieces and works in progress is quite nuanced and layered.
Even when I don’t actively engage with pieces or items I’ve collected, they are ever present in my mind’s eye; which works a lot like a giant visual Rolodex in my head.
My creative process maintains its momentum on continual flow of bits and pieces of ideas. My collections are a visual treasure trove of textures and shapes and lines linked to something I want to try or to explore. Each bit I save feels as though it is waiting for the right moment to shine. Perhaps it will be the missing piece in whatever I’m doing at any given moment, so deciding what to keep and take with me can take much effort.
It’s definitely a lesson in learning how to let go.
Yesterday morning I began by designating three piles in my work space. MOVE, RE-HOME, LET GO. It’s interesting to me how these labels have morphed as I try to engage in the process over time. They began as throw away, give away and keep. The problems I encountered here were that most of my collection was upcycled from objects others have thrown away. It feels like I’m cheating or going back on a promise to throw them away again.
Giving away my treasures did nothing but trigger loss in me every time I picked up an item and knew I wasn’t going to be able to take it with me. I can’t just “give it all away” I kept finding myself lamenting feeling the absence deeply because what happens to the ideas that are linked to it or the stories that are living in it? Will they be forgotten too?
Keeping was the safest choice and as such is the BIGGEST pile. This is not helpful either, however, because then I’m instantly overwhelmed by what to DO with all the things I have and that sends me right to my stuck place; which is usually under a blanket on the couch heading for a nap to avoid the weight of it all.
After many rounds of these starts and stops and much talking and reflecting, I decided to try to shift my thinking a bit to better align with my purpose for moving; which is to be with my wonderful partner and blend our families. It’s a very exciting opportunity to expand into so many authentic places in my life. Making decisions and choices from this spaces is easy and often effortless. In fact, in many ways I’d let go of anything to close the gap between us that we’ve been living with for the last year. Long distance relationships are HARD; even with the advances of video chat and technology; which we are ever grateful for but growing tired of.
So it was that I was in the garage yesterday ready to embrace culling my “stuff”. Once I got over the hump of starting; which thanks to my ADHD can grow to the size of a mountain if I don’t reach out for help, I actually gained a bit of momentum. Right now the LET GO pile is actually bigger than the MOVE pile.
My “Let Go” pile is growing
Looking at the pile of items I’m keeping and holding the label “move” feels practical in my brain. I can now look at each individual item and think of whether it will fit in a suitcase or be better off shipped in a box. Making intentional choices like this affirms how bringing it will enhance our life and helps me relax and remember that the ultimate choice is to live WITH my partner. Anything beyond that is just bonus, really. I don’t “need” nearly as much stuff beyond that.
I am also having great fun “re-homing” items; which is giving me the welcome chance to say goodbye and gain closure with many people in my current daily life. This is one of those “silver linings” I think that shows up to help us do hard things.
Clearing out my “stuff” is leaving so much more room to embrace and welcome all the things that come with my new adventure. Following the scribble and allowing myself to meander and not race through a straight path to the end is giving me the emotional space I need to cope with the changes and in some cases witness the “loss” as things shift in my life. It gives me space to hold the acceptance of some painful parts like relationships and friendships that have ebbed or fallen fallow. It gives me time to rest and recover from the emotional energy needed to literally let go and trust that ideas and collections are not in scarcity in any way in my life. In fact, starting from scratch is often quite energizing and exciting and is half the fun of collecting in the first place!
What are you culling in your life right now? I’d love to hear about it or any other lessons you have learned in the journey of letting go.
