Courage Over Fear
Courage Over Fear
Living with Anxiety
Courage by acw
Oh, friend,
You’ve gone and got me laughing again;
sending up big guffaws
like a cuckoo’s song
into the afternoon sky
reminding the little girl inside
that this can be the way she faces everything.
Not maliciously with self judgement and shame, but boldly.
When dark thoughts sneak up
and begin to whisper criticism; which reeks of malice
trying to jade your cheerful outlook
and leave you feeling doubtful...
May you claim your wildness
by setting down a perimeter;
deftly marking a boundary with your trident of fire,
giving you the courage to see each new utterance for the
untruth
that it is.
Stand tall, look them straight in the eye
and don’t let their negativity pass into your
beautiful heart.
This week I chose courage over fear; TWICE, and lived to tell about it.
I am taking this opportunity to share these moments with you for several reasons.
It helps me slow down and reflect on the how far I’ve come in my quest to live a healthy life; which includes learning to live with anxiety.
It challenges me to pause and celebrate; finding joy in the small steps along the way instead of saving it all up for one big party at the end of the journey.
Naming my actions and making them public strengthens my resolve and builds confidence in living life with intention so I can remind myself that I have CHOICES; even in the face of difficulties and unknown outcomes.
“The true meaning of courage is to be afraid, and then, with your knees knocking and your heart racing, to step out anyway—even when that step makes sense to nobody but you. I know that’s not easy. But making a bold move is the only way to truly advance toward the grandest vision the universe has for you.” Oprah
If you are entertaining images of me preparing to launch off the edge of a cliff tethered to a hang glider or fling myself out the doorway of an airplane about to skydive for the first time, you wouldn’t be too far off. I don’t blame you for conjuring such dramatic situations as you try to comprehend what fear I might have been facing that had my knees knocking and my heart racing. It’s pretty much exactly how it FELT inside my body as my finger was hovering over the “submit” button earlier today when preparing to send my book off to a brick and mortar publisher for the first time. Earlier in the week it’s also the same tension that make my voice quiver and break when reading out my credit card number out loud into the phone as I purchased 5 copies of a book that I am planning on mailing to family members inviting them to learn about racism together as I take steps toward living the learning I’ve been doing around becoming a good ancestor.
As someone who lives with anxiety, I want to affirm that the adrenaline that coursed through my veins in the moments before taking action in the face of my fear of rejection was just as real and measurable as it would be in those other moments; even though the personal situations I was coping with did not carry the same outward challenge as conquering a fear of heights or the facing the fear of death.
The perception of risk
The worry rising as you calculate all the things that might go wrong
The excitement of being on the brink of something novel paired with the tentative trepidation that comes with taking your first steps toward a new experience
The self doubt that rises up in the final moments before you jump when you are certain you are crazy and frantically begin to think of all the ways you can get out of the immediacy of the situation because you might change your mind.
The quiet that comes in the milliseconds after committing to GO; when your muscles tense and release your body into the free fall of action where you are leaning into a sheer act of faith, fully giving over to gravity with no way of knowing where or how you will land;
The time standing still; where a blink might stretch into hours before you can discern whether you are falling or flying and become swept up in the rush of the everything that comes afterward.
It’s all so absolutely terrifying and I did it anyway.
Just like Oprah says, you make the bold move. That’s what happened to me this week. I CHOSE the hard thing; which was a bold move for me because I live with Generalized Anxiety. In doing so I gained a little bit of control over the part of my brain that gives over to panic and immediately initiates the fight, flight or freeze safety protocol and in doing so, even at 50, I am on track to create new neural pathways to help me change my brain and reach my goals.
For me, that involved putting a three step process I learned over the course of three years of therapy into action real time; which is something I have not really been able to do independently or even with help before now. It’s a personal goal I’ve committed to and is at the heart of all the words I have chosen in an effort to help me find my way back to my true and authentic self. (what I believe is my “best, highest” self or my own personal definition of a “good human”)
This week it looked like:
1. noticing the symptoms that my anxiety had been triggered; hands trembling and a bit sweaty, an agitated shaking in the center of my chest rising like the fizz of a Coke bottle that has been shaken up; each bubble rising aggravation and impatience with my self and others.
2. Recognizing the thoughts I was having doubting my abilities and intentions were ANTS (Automatic Negative ThoughtS)
3. NAMING those thoughts as false (which takes their power away) and allows me to choose a tool to use to help replace those thoughts with healthier ones based on facts. (As an artist, I’ve harnessed my creative mind to make up an imaginary arsenal of weapons I use to help me combat anxiety; one of which is the TRIDENT OF FIRE; which I refer to when I wrote the poem, COURAGE; above)
As I draw this post to a close, I want to be honest about the temptation I have to downplay my achievements this week as “small” compared to the things other people may be facing in their lives right now. After all, there’s a pandemic going on and people are dying. There is racism, sexism, poverty and abuse. People are struggling to survive in all manner of hard situations and I was just struggling to press “send” or to make a phone call. It’s a thing a lot of us do, this comparison game especially us women. (which is likely a topic for a future blog) so I will take this opportunity to remind myself that there is no benefit to be had in competing in the “suffering Olympics” Even if our society often sends confusing messages to the contrary; there is no gold medal awarded for he or she who overcomes the “worst” fear. Hard is hard, period. Facing your fears (no matter how big or small) is worthy of celebration. I think that’s what Oprah meant when she talks about the “steps we take as making sense to nobody but you.”
This week, I did the bold thing which involved facing my fears and taking action anyway; even if it ends up not working out. I know that mistakes are part of how we learn and doing hard things is part of what connects us in humanity. It’s something that we don’t shine the spotlight on nearly enough in our culture and I believe it’s a necessary part of the healing that needs to happen for me to move forward on my personal road to being a good human and I believe that is a truth that can extend to the growth of our greater society as we search for a path to unity in these trying times.
*If this blog post resonated with you or you’d like to share some of the ways you are learning to face your fears or do hard things, please visit me over on Instagram where I invite you to send me a DM or reach out through e-mail found in the contact section.
