What if….
Have you ever wondered…
…what if I could just be real and authentic all the time?
This week a friend and I stumbled into a conversation about filtering ourselves. She asked the question that titles this blog post, “What if we could just be this real and authentic all the time?” to which we both answered a resounding ,“YES!” It’s not like we discovered a new theory of psychology.
🌀 It’s just that in the midst of our talk, we were able to express how freeing it feels to just “let it all hang out” when we are together. 🌀
In expressing our gratitude for the space in our friendship for just being real, I began to think about the different relationships and friendships in my life and how I am varying degrees of “myself” within each of them and because I am innately a “questioner”, I started to wonder why.
It got me thinking about how far I have grown apart from my “true” authentic self as I aged and how now that I’ve reached my middle years, I’ve ended up on a necessary inner journey to reclaim my true voice . This backward trekking is very labor intensive and seems a bit inside out. (see Andy J. Pizza’s parable at the end of the blog)
Sometimes I wonder if some of the “truth” behind growing up is somehow learning that you have to be able to “fit in” to find success. Does growing up involve learning how to filter the parts of yourself that aren’t naturally appropriate in certain settings? Does it start with schooling where so much of early year education involves learning how to “behave” or “sit still” and conform to group norms? and what happens if the norms are simply just the the default of what the “majority” culture finds acceptable. Where does that leave those who find themselves outside the norm? There were times throughout my 27 year career as an elementary school teacher that I had conversations with my colleagues about how some kids just seem to be able to “do school” and others just can’t seem to find a rhythm. I couldn’t help but feel school wasn’t designed to serve those students; who often found themselves in trouble or constantly falling short of expectations or standard; both behaviorally and academically. And yet, it was some of those very same students who ended up having wildly successful and creative careers.
🌀Though the journey back to ourselves is long and hard, the alternative is even more exhausting. The weight of the many filters we end up carrying is soul crushing.
For me, it was the effort of trying to hold all the burden that came from managing the expectations of others and constantly trying to hone myself that fueled my perfectionism. I was driven to be whatever was needed in the moment so as not to upset anyone or anything . I lost sight of who I was because I had whittled so much away from my core in an effort to “stay sharp” that it left ME just a nub with barely any lead left to make a mark. (And I wasn’t a prized member of anyone’s tiniest pencil collection either! Elementary school teachers everywhere know just what I mean!) It left me feeling empty and with a yearning to be “liked” and constantly seeking external affirmation that I was a “good” and worthy human.
What if I had been raised to believe that being a good and worthy human was my birthright and didn’t need to be proven to anyone else? What if I received education and messaging that taught me that accepting and honoring myself and my natural tendencies and truths was the way to find success? Might it have helped build the strength and resilience needed to weather setbacks and roadblocks? Might it have given me the courage and confidence to remain vulnerable and tender in my interactions with others and hold onto my identity instead of trading it out as payment for acceptance?
Today, I’m learning to be grateful for my journey. The struggle and suffering I have gone through to get to this side of the mountain was part of the living I needed to do to get to the knowing I now have. It takes a lot of effort to look back with grace and not regret the choices I made or the lack of understanding I had at that time which led to them; especially if those choices or shortcomings hurt other people.
I wake each morning and have to remind myself that I am enough. There are many days when I need to say out loud that I am worthy of love simply because of who I am. I am learning to live more like a cook than a pencil sharpener; reminding myself that all the “flavors” of my personality add something to the whole and filtering to make myself taste good according to someone else’s pallet is no way to savor the feast!
"I have always liked my people a bit damaged. A bit rough around the edges. A bit difficult to stereotype. A bit stranger than the normal crowd. I like people whose eyes tell stories and whose smiles have fought through wars. If you’re perfect, chances are, we aren’t going to get on. If you’re one of the cool kids, chances are, you won’t like me. You see, what I want is authentic. What I want to see is your purity, I want to see the way you wear your scars, I want to see how brave you are with your vulnerability, how emotionally naked do you let the world see you. Your damage may not be beautiful, but it has made you exquisite. It makes you original, different – and one of my kind of people because people like you are the most incredible things about this world. "
– Nikita Gill
🌀As the first month of 2021 comes to a close, I find myself stronger than ever in my quest to bring the pieces of myself back together. Those scattered far and wide like shrapnel from traumatic events and those abandoned along the way; jettisoned as ballast when the going got too tough and I worried that I wasn’t strong enough to stay afloat under the weight of my differences. It’s a hero’s quest; this making a home in my center for my WHOLE self; welcoming all my colors and flavors with gentle acceptance that I trust I will find as I go because, to keep it real, there are some pieces I wish weren’t mine. I have learned that walking alone doesn’t make me stronger and it helps greatly if you allow “your people” to walk alongside you to lean on now and again. I also keep the words of Brene Brown in a flask close to my heart and sip them like an elixir when I’m feeling self doubt.
“Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you're feeling. ~Brene Brown
Her research has proven that there is no courage without vulnerability. So I will end by extending this duality to reflect on the other words in my backpack and perhaps my answers will find their way into a future blog post.
There is no joy without _______________
There is no bloom without _____________
If this blog post resonated with you or you’d like to share some of the ways you might complete the statements above, please visit me over on Instagram where I invite you to send me a DM or reach out through e-mail found in the contact section.
