Slowing Down When Life is Speeding Up
This was a different week for me.
Different in that an idea for this post didn’t raise its hand to get my attention above the din of thoughts that mingle in my mind chattering like a cafeteria full of elementary students at lunchtime.
Different because the drafts I have “waiting” weren’t ready to talk; leaving an awkward pause where A.N.T.s (automatic negative thoughts) become opportunists; scrambling in the silence to shout into their megaphones:
“ha ha, you broke the 7 day cycle….it’s been longer than a week since your last post! You are such a loser!”
“I knew you wouldn’t be able to keep up the pace! This post isn’t going to be as good as your other ones and everyone is going to notice!”
“You are pathetic. Isn’t it obvious that you have nothing important to say? Who do you think you are anyway!”
Different in the fact that three of my usual 5 work days were spent volunteering at the local vaccine clinic as part of a company’s partnership with the local health corporation. I came home a whole new kind of tired which shone a very bright spotlight on just how out of shape my stamina for human interaction has gotten during this pandemic.
Different in that I now have the first dose of the Pfizer vaccine for Covid-19 coursing through my veins. (Through a sheer stroke of luck, I might add.) I was very grateful to find myself the recipient of one of 4 extra doses left in needles already “thawed” at the end of the night; after all those scheduled received their vaccine shots. The other doses were offered to drivers/companions of patients who were there, but had not yet been called off the waiting list for their vaccine appointment.
Different because the drift of the changing season moves through my body like the lunar pull of the tides. With each beat of my heart; newness rushes and tumbles in on cresting waves; followed by a sucking void as the old and familiar comforts retreat further and further away. This discordant cacophony of change is abrasive until the soothing greens of new leaves and growing grass return to root me in fresh knowing once again.
Different because the light after dinner comes with darker mornings; causing the chime of my alarm to rouse me from sleep more often than the gentle stirring of my internal clock. I am sad to lose the brilliant companionship of sunrise on my drive to work, though welcome the afternoon play date as she often greets me with open arms on days I get home from work and want to crawl into a warm embrace of afternoon sunshine streaming through my window across the quilt covered bed.
And yet. Here I am. Writing.
Remembering to slow down when life speeds up.
Why not take this opportunity to practice being intentional and use some of the strategies I have for times like this; when life feels out of balance and more things seem new or different than steady and comfortable. I don’t have to float helplessly in a life raft in a raging ocean of change. (or worse, flail around like I’m drowning!) I can throw up my sail and adjust it to the wind. I think these words from poet Ella Wheeler Wilcox in her 1910 verse, “The Winds of Fate” capture the spirit of adventure needed to make this choice.
One ship drives east and another drives west
With the self-same winds that blow.
‘Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales
Which tells us the way to go.
Like the winds of the sea are the winds of fate,
As we voyage along through life,
‘Tis the set of a soul
That decides its goal
And not the calm or the strife.
And what of the SET OF MY SOUL? How might it help DECIDE MY GOAL?
I am reminded that I chose JOY this year to help guide me toward my goal of reducing negativity.
The changes I made two years ago when I gave myself permission to shift my work from teaching to embrace ART as my new job, revolutionized the pace of my life giving me more freedom in how I spent my days. The slower pace not only more in line with my natural temperament, but also gifting myself with the space needed to begin healing my mental health; which suffered greatly from the pressure it took to perform at the exceptional level needed to manage student learning in the culture of the Common Core Standards. (and that was pre-pandemic virtual learning!)
It also gave me the time necessary to begin to find grace as a parent who had been running on fumes for too long and start charting a course to repair a seriously strained relationship with my beloved son; which had become untenable in our effort to navigate the minefield of Reactive Attachment Disorder.
So today, when I reflect back on the week (or so) since my last post and feel all the differences speeding up life, it helps slow things down by finding JOY in small moments throughout the week instead of looking back on all the things beyond my control.
Kudos to choosing a walk instead of sitting and stressing when I had to wait at the muffler shop for the exhaust fix necessary to keep the car registered. Doing so brought so many rusty beautiful images into heart which I passed on to others through my Instagram feed.
Cheers to the finding some courage to get sassy and talk back to a couple of the automatic negative thoughts that are an everyday part of living with Generalized Anxiety. (I like to call this “stepping on the ants” )
So what if it took me longer to share this post than what has been typical? I much prefer being authentic to being perfect. And besides, it’s my blog! I get to decide how to define consistent.
Who do I think I am? Who gets to say and who is asking anyway? At 50 I’m no longer interested in what everyone else thinks I should be. I’m fully invested in claiming who I am and getting comfortable in a skin that I’ve felt uncomfortable in for far too long.
Pathetic? Then let me redefine the word! There is no shame in owning YOU and raising your voice at every opportunity so others can live and learn by your example. We NEED YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU. Each and every one of us has a story worth telling and it’s high time to be telling mine.
If this blog post resonated with you and you’d like to share a piece of your week or how you live out loud with me, please visit me over on Instagram and send me a DM or reach out through the e-mail found in the contact section of this site.
